My life is like the prequel to "40 Year Old Virgin"
I'm not really sure how I got home, but judging by this headache, i'm assuming it involved bourbon.
I ishhh haha are u coming nack easyer?
the fact that I know you're asking me if I'm coming home for easter makes me believe I speak fluent vodka.
As I was leaving the drunk tank the cop told me he had a feeling we would be meeting again real soon.
we tried to steer you away from them but you just kept yelling 'i need dick' and going back. sorry.
I'm gagging in the liquor aisle just thinking about how much alcohol I'll be drinking this weekend.
Those foam number one hands, are the BEST socks.
Watching the tv in the reflection of my phone cause I'm too hungover to roll over.... Yes it is 4 PM...
He just whispered "doors are weird" and then laughed so hard he fell down the stairs.
Idk I was embarrassed that I hit it too hard so I played it off by spitting out bong water like a 'whales blowhole'
Just watched my first Christmas porn of the year. Def have the spirit now
You know you have hit the best years of your life when you enlist the 5 year old to be ball boy during beer pong and pay him with candy you stole from Walgreens
I never imagine I'd say this, but can I ask Jeff for the butt plugs back even though it was a gift and we broke up?
So, I gotta figure when the nurses at the emergency room noticed my new hair cut it means I'm there too often, right?
No one knows how to work that "I pulled a muscle in my leg" drunk swagger like you can
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