Hey you
You're the only one I'll text back during sex. what's up?
my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
I think I left a blow job at your house. Can I come down and get it?
I gave it to your brother to give to you.
Chalk up having sex in a car wash.
Meh. People are people bro. All of us are hairless psychotic apes. Happy 420.
Bunch of Navy warships just sailed into New York Harbor for Fleet Week. Nobodys getting laid this weekend.
Halloween is the only night where I would ever end up getting a guy's makeup all over my face
This is the fourth day in a row I've walked outside in the same pajamas. I think the neighbors have finally given up on judging me.
He better be a good lay, these underwear cost $50.
Those nachos came to me in a dream
My hair tie broke, stole my one-night stands daughters pink sparkly one. BEST hair-tie I have ever used...
It's so Britney 2007, you know?
Totally just got spotted hitting the bowl by someone else hitting a bowl. We gave each other a head nod
I am drunkenly riding a razor scooter up and down the hills of Cincinnati
What in the fuck are you doing with your life
100000% expect a picture of my ass in them
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