All time low... just gave a strip tease to the theme song from Law&Order SVU.
I think my plan to not drink this week was just ruined by my mothers discovery of the chat function on facebook
he is so annoying
so stop sleeping with him
yeah but he is so hot when i'm drunk
Just getting around to doing laundry. Jesus there's a lot of blood on my birthday dress.
In your drunken brilliance did you make bagel with what appears to be mac and cheese smeared on top and pink icing dip? Because if so it is sitting on the counter
Close your eyes and stop texting and think about puppies. You'll be fine.
she tried to douche with champagne. in front of all of us. unabashedly.
She has either a C-Section scar or a bullet wound, I can't quite tell
I'm like a number 27.2 on a scale of 1-10 of how badly I want you right now.
Your lack of a response brings it down to a 25.4.
I told her shower beers are even better when you have someone in there with you and she said she's been looking for a new drinking buddy. It's a goooooo
You asked for 4 things: your phone, your wallet, your keys and your denture. I stopped asking questions.
I just started talking about how noodles were so good
I have a story for you. It involves waffles and getting naked with the local weatherman.
Can't find my wig, my underwear, or my dignity. Halloween 2016
So what if you don't want to be with your family. Go drink alone and watch Netflix like a normal person, don't be productive!
Randomize
