I just woke up and i'm wearing a cape and it says sup slut on my ass
I'm at subway, this 8 year old kid is judging my fashion sense with his dad. I want to kill myself.
It's ok, he's just 8, he's not judging you.
He just asked why I'm sitting alone. I honestly want to cry.
Yea went to the bars and he called me 2 hours later with random people saying he is at a place that i don't think exists
high enough to want to lick peanut butter off of Michael Buble's vocal chords as he serenades me.
drunk waterpark is besst waterpark.
You pulled me aside and handed me a plastic childrens' tea cup full of 151 and said "trust me its a great idea"
The TA leading my study session just said "now get outta here. I need to get drunk before class"
YOU MAKE ANAL SEX SOUND LIKE A SPORTING EVENT
What good is being a girl if you can't terrorize boys with pregnancy scares??
Donald Trump looks like someone photoshopped hair onto a dick pic.
Please don't fuck the professor. We both know that won't end well.
My new roommate looks like a troll. Or a serial killer. So if I disappear, show this text to the cops.
I’ve wanted to home wreck him since their wedding. It was a dream come true
Just woke up beside some twink in a kilt.. how is your sunday going
Pandemic Silver Lining: cheap hotel rates makes it easier to have afternoon fun with my side dick
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