I'm sitting here watching a kid lick a basketball- where have i gone wrong in life?
From behind she looks like Richard Simmons
So stoned I forgot I was masturbating and went to go get a cookie.
Too bad they don't have an emoji symbol for condoms and 99 cent tacos
Maybe STDs were invented to keep stupid people from having kids.
This taco party has no tacos, just a hot asian guy in booty shorts. We were lied to.
Waking up next to a 3 inch puddle of water in my kitchen with a bathing suit on...what the fuck went on lastnight
Exactly. Some of us want to get married. And some of us want to wear sombreros and do cocaine. To each their own.
Oh, and i love you too. Im just a selfish dick who had to talk about myself first
Walk of shaming into my apartment. No one to clap me in. Come home!
I mean, except for the part where I was vomiting up pineapple and hot sauce, it was a really fun time.
If the world ends and i have no vodka please just kill me.
Explain to me again why I'm doing the walk of shame if we fucked at my house?
last time we were there you stole a tap from the toilets. How are you confused that your bag is full of baubles you clearly can't stop collecting their furnishings
This is the third time I have overheard parents tell their children "don't be that girl" in reference to me. I'm either doing something horribly wrong or amazingly right
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