she asked me if the dress made her look fat, i told her no - the fat made her look fat.
Bring booze and chicks. Separate, or one already in the other. Your call.
He told me he looked up all the foods that make cum taste better and he put it all on his moms shopping list. she came through my line. this ones a keeper I think.
Someone left a shot of disaronno in a champagne glass here this morning... flip a coin?
You tried to convince our cab driver that your $2 bill was worth $11.70
He came in asked for the bathroom and came out 10 minutes later dripping wet took his redbull and left.
I want Paula Dean to narrate shark week next year
He offered me a 30 pack if I don't bring her to the party. Am I a bad friend If I take his offer?
I want him to come over and snuggle with me but put a bag over his head. Is that rude?
It's not rude if you use a pillowcase that's softer.
Promise me, at my funeral, you will re-enact our human sledding incident of 2011....you can use my dead body as said sled.
Stoned in some guys basement listening to ELO. it's like its 1978.
Sorry I just took 4 pills about 20 minutes ago so I'm feeling like a claw machine like people tell me were I need to go and what to do and I'm just like yes sir so I get the teddy bear but I set it on fire and it's kinda black on one side and there might be smoke coming off it.
i sent my dealer a picture of the money i would pay him. i also told him i would pay him in cheez-its if he would prefer that.
The thing about pooping in the woods during hunting season is you never know if someone's watching you.
Im going to seductively wisper "that butters my biscuit" in your ear
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