I just won Halloween Walk of Shame Bingo!
Woke up with an epic boner today, the kind where you can spin books and shit on it. FYI: don't try spinning an encyclopedia
my little brother just asked me why i have handcuffs. How do I tell him that his sister likes being taken advantage of in the bedroom?
RIP Summer 2010. God knows it had to be one of us..
So it turns out my dad calls his penis "John" which means he either named me after his penis or his penis after me
they still hired me even though my background check came back with a warrent for my arrest.
Totally just drove past you riding your bike. I was like damn, that looks like a cute little hipster boy, and then I realized it was you and that I'd already banged you and it kinda made my day. I hope you're well. Come over soon?
Anywho, an ostrich attacked me today. Fucking useless pieces of shit birds.
Is it inappropriate to send a happy 3-year anniversary of having a threesome with you and your ex girlfriend on easter text?
Turns out the dorm toilet can't take a punch. Gonna be a long year without Mexican food.
You threw up on his face 22 hours ago and now he's here holding your hand. I think he likes you.
I've decided to become a librarian so I can drunkenly quote The Mummy and have it be legit.
HOLY FUCK i just remembered we had bows and arrows and firecrackers last night
and flaming arrows and vodka
how did we not set your garage on fire
She'd probably like you more if you'd stop fucking her husband.
Visiting my great uncle went well. The highlight of the evening was when he said, "Oh my god. I'm 79 and I'm teaching 18 year old kids how to roll a joint."
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