just got out of a noise viloation because the cop recognized my roomate as his favorite chipotle burrito roller. just another reason I love ritos
I'm going to community service drunk, and I'm still going to be the most normal person there.
took shots out of a medicine cup. i can get used to college.
I keep finding coffee grounds in my vagina
Our new goal for this summer is to fuck so hard we lose his security deposit.
Driving to get a preg test with my ex, wearing my unicorn hat
You are so not ready for motherhood
Mom brought home a 36 pack of Smirnoff and was all "ring any bells?" and then winked. I'm scared. What does she know?
While eating post sex burritos I dripped taco bell sauce on my boob. He licked it off and asked why I hadn't thought of that before.
the cops are being surprisingly chill about david hanging from a tree with no pants.
And then she sprinted three blocks through live traffic towards McDonalds screaming "THE GOLDEN ARCHES ARE CALLING ME"
I was so drunk that I passed out before I could do or say anything I'd regret. My low alcohol tolerance is like a guardian angel.
Ran out of deodorant. Febreze on a paper towel? Kicking college's ass.
Apparently 24 hr fitness frowns upon the ingestion of psychedelics on its premises, don't see that in the sign up contract.
can we not compare my dick to a children’s folk tale
I'm pretty sure she tried to draw a self portrait out of her vomit. Then you tried to help, but passed out in the vomit.
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