Tell your sister I'm no fool. Or at least romanticize the notion of the fool.
So i just got diagnosed with swine flu. im at walgreens looking like shit and this guy keeps staring at me. Im so gonna cough in his face.
well, dont
I didnt. i just coughed then looked at him menacingly. he got it.
Buying weed on Christmas. Gotta love Jewish drug dealers
either way he was missing a nipple.
What happened on tuesday that a stripper knows my full name?
Peeing in public by noon, this is not a good indicator for the day.
Just for the record its a bit awkward when you introduced me to your friends at your house as your brother and then insisted in front of them that I sleep in your bed with you
I wish drunk me wasn't so into manscaping. Or at least good at it. Either or really
Today was my cousin's Kindergarten graduation. I happen to also think of it as a MILF convention.
Instead of a fine and a few hours in jail he chose to get tasered, break his neck and shit his pants
If I'm walking weird, don't judge me. Things got kinda outta hand with the GoPro on.
I'm going to start using the hurricane naming system for my hangovers. Hangover Agatha is a real bitch today.
Just so you know.. If you ever cheat on me, i will cut your dick and fingers off and post them as my cover photo on Facebook. Love you.
honestly i've never been more attracted to you than when you threw up on my floor
I WANT GRASS AND TREES NOT SOMEONE SWINGING A SWORD AROUND
Randomize
