The guy next to me is watching porn. EVERYTIME I COME TO THE LIBRARY SOME RANDOM GUY NEXT TO ME LOOKS AT PORN.
Spider just rapelled from her vag rethinking online dating.
Oh. Im drinking alone in a banana costume. Every time youre feeling down, i want you to think of me right now and know that your life is better than mine.
True Life: I hate vaginal excretions
At least my shower head will respect me in the morning.
Dude. I tried to convince her to eat poprocks and give me a blowjob. It did not work out well.
this is a reminder to untag myself in the picture of me flashing the photographer in the morning.
If the world would stop letting me feel invincible I would probably stop doing this shit.
yea last night was a repeat of newyears...exept this time it ivolved a fish costume, throw up, a hole in the roof, and cops...lots of cops
were you high?
When?
Actually just blanket yes to that question
On a totally unrelated note, captain four hour sexcapades lost it in his boxers this morning and tried to pretend it didnt happen. Lmao
The Medal of Honor you banged could be at the inauguration today. You really dropped the ball on keeping up with that one.
Welp, no use in crying over spilt milk. I can't unbang her.
if you go to jail tonight, call call me. i wanna get out of work
And with the bitter taste of failure in my mouth, i am off to pub to drown it in tequila and 19 year olds, so in the morning i can add pregnancy and stds to my list of problems.
Randomize
