guess who just trotted in eating her oats and wagging her penis
he had a sign stolen from the tennis court hanging above his bed that said, "please limit play to one hour while others are waiting"
I just deleted all the drug dealers from my phone, I guess this is growing up
Do you remember snorting allspice and yelling at doughnut shop girl?
im currently assessing the tequila situation in preparation of your arrival
I just drove my booty call to his booty call, if that isn't spreading the love, I don't know what is.
Do you guys think there will be a coke-for-Molly barder at bonnaroo?
no strings attached, like you could fuck him and then throw him off a building right after
I just googled, "what type of cured meat does my face taste like", and one of the top results was, "The Definitive Guide to Bacon." I couldn't make this up if I tried.
... Okay, fine. But I don't want to be a better person tonight. I'll be a better person tomorrow.
worse hangover than the time you almost threw up in a plant in front of your daycare kids?
...I don't remember telling you about that but yes
dude i haven't had a solid dump since sunday and i still cant hear out of my right ear
Hey, I'm sleeping in your car...lol just knock on the window in the morning
You kept saying, "please sir, can I have some more."
And somehow in between all the vomitting you managed to mumble "Well this is attractive!" And I swear that's when I fell in love. Best. First. Date. Ever!
Randomize
