omg omg i just fucked paul. i need to stop doing this kind of thing.
wait, who's paul?
exactly.
my dad just encouraged me to do a kegstand
my house keeper must think I'm a prostitute.
Hit a parked car with a "property of Jesus Christ" bumper sticker. Wrote out five hail mary's and left it on the windshield.
Best morning ever. I saw a bum giving another bum a blowjob downtown.
it's not a party till someone uses the fire extinguisher.
We have a drunken confused pantless man in our apt. Boots.
did you find a tooth?
did you lose one?
my roommate just said she thinks she got a flashback or some memory of me getting hit by a car.
You were so stoked after landing that flip that you dropped acid with three random guys without hesitation
I woke up on my girls floor with a pound of muenster cheese in my shirt pocket
Can we relax the "married man" rule just once?
We're listening to drake in the middle of the woods and smoking two joints at once...my life is complete.
He just told me my boobs made up for all the bad things that had ever happened to him. I'm definately having sex with him again.
You said you made a new recipe, but it turned out you just cooked ramen with vodka instead of water.
Randomize
