So we were in the middle of hooking up when he stopped me. I thought he was having a moral dilemma about the whole having a girlfriend thing. But no. He got down on all fours, butt naked, and started throwing up and farting simultaneously. I took it as my cue to leave.
No one actually likes Tequila. They just accept it as a fact of life. Like hpv.
My mom said I should get that 'not fucking anybody' problem fixed.
I just peed behind the dumpster and dedicated it to you. Can i call u?
I woke up and he used my makeup to write "hope you don't get pregnant" on my mirror before he left
Just got a blowie during the Avengers. It's weird knowing that the high point of your life just happened.
As I was about to go to sleep he asked me if I was ready to 69. HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO LOOK AT HIM IN THE FACE OVER DINNER TOMORROW
For context, I was hiding under the pong table mooing at everyone by that point.
I slept awesome next to you. You're like an electric blanket that I can have morning sex with.
Well I'm over here squandering a fabulous hair day and radiant complexion
That's the 3rd guy I've made pass out from a bj. I may have super powers.
She's still mad at me for saying she looked pregnant and not getting her chicken nuggets.
I think I'm gunna glue a sign to my head that says "WAKE ME UP BEFORE 7!" And go to sleep and hope a kind passer by wakes me up for my exam .
I just saw a raccoon get launched out of a tree by another raccoon. They have turf wars...
I've been in town for almost 36 hrs and I haven't made out with a stranger yet - I consider THAT a record!
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