The tricky part is not getting sand in any orifices. Or is the plural orifi? Orifi don't, we'll both be unhappy...
I wake up every morning and wish that I didn't have to wear a bra
you busted in the room, ripped the covers off of us, ... and fist pumped
He showed up to fuck me at the same time the pizza guy did. It was like everything I needed just showed up at my stoop.
only you would end up drunk at a subway with a one-eyed homeless man
please stop judging me for buying a handle of soco on a thursday at 10am. it was on sale, i'm thinking of my future.
your mom just called me and asked me why i'm not in jail with you right now.
Welcome to texting with Mike. You're now leaving the sober section and headed to our insanely high bad decision making portion of mike. Enjoy the trip.
Wait, is this the kid that tried catching a bat in your backyard with a flashlight and a ball of tin foil?
I need to stop drinking and eating and start working out. I look like the lovechild of John Goodman and Jabba the Hutt.
We spent a good 10 minutes in the morning looking for my clothes. I ended up taking the bus home in my 6inch heels and his baggy t-shirt. The bus was filled with kids... one of them whistled at me.
Then she said I give the best mouth hugs and bar went silent.
He recreated the night that started all my mothers days. We shared a joint, drank Boones Farm, and dry humped to the Beastie Boys. Then I cried over MCA's death. Best. Gift. Ever.
What can i say, my face is nice and my body is just unreal. And my beer pouring/stealing is incredible \n
Apparently during my blackout I walked over to Troy, grabbed my crotch, and said “Eat Fresh” while his GF was with him. FML
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