I think your x's eyes are broken his new girl is so hit
shit I'm tired of wearing other peoples clothes to bed
He just stabbed two olives and a pickle with a fork and deep throated it in front of my family
Not even marginally surprised
Don't worry. This time I'll get black out drunk so they'll just think it's an American thing.
I just ate a bag of doritos while taking a shower. I can now officially do anything
Sorry we're taking so long, this weed cake tastes amazing with Tabasco sauce on it.
i was gonna do a lot worse than just throw cat food on you while you were passed out, but then you sleep vomited and i felt a little bad
I seriously told a stripper I would hold her hand when she goes to get ass implants.
all i remember is walking in on u shitting and crying listening to shawty get loose. its safe to say this break up has taken a toll on u
The best was when you were crying, and trying to get the bouncer to "understand you AS A HUMAN BEING"
...I'm not a booty call or a pizza...you can't just call/text and expect to be eating me in an hour..
I put ketchup in a girls hair last night. I need a sorry balloon
Just passed the animal clinic parking lot I had to pull over to puke in during welcome week. I can almost hear the dogs barking at my shame again.
New life goal: fuck in the shopping cart
my roommate had drunk sex above me in our bunk bed and then built me a fort to apologize the next day
Randomize
