just threw up in the bushes outside my lecture hall. sometimes i hate the freedom college gives you.
Note to self: when drunk try to remember that ctrl, alt and dance doesnt exist on a keyboard.
My mom and I were trying to explain to my sister what an uncircumcised penis looks like. We had some minor disagreements.
My niece just called my sister in law a teabagger. I love NPR and it's corrupting influence on small children
well, duh, but it's like you don't even want to see me masturbate with a wine bottle.
She trust falled out of a window. It was like that scene from A Little Princess but with a lot more blood.
I thought the cops would know I was on shrooms because I was 10ft tall.
I'm running on 2 hours of sleep. Just spent 6 minutes staring at the back of my hand thinking: "I don't really know this that well"
It's no longer hooking up, we have definitely graduated to Sport Fucking....
Dad got stoned the other day and bought us potty training seats for when we have children
He kept singing Happy Birthday to himself, yelling at the bouncers for not letting him in, and telling them his "father will hear of this." He was like a drunken Scottish Draco Malfoy.
My boobs are numb because I've been using them as stress balls
You start to question your party girl tendencies when you're wearing the same shirt you wore the night before to work and you're trying to get last nights Jell-O shot off the sleeve on your way to work
Just found a note on the bed that said "Dear mittens, had to leave early I'll be back soon."
WTF? Are you mittens?
WE ARE DOING DRUGS AND GOING TO THE STRIP CLUB SATURDAY LADIES
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