woke up next to her writing my name in some journal. apparently she makes every guy she hooks up with sign out.
We turned everything surrounding BP and the oil leak into a "that's what she said" drinking game. We've been drunk for a month
I made him sleep with a condom on and i passed out on the carpet with only a bra on.
You crossed every boundary on the boundary spectrum last night. You're like the illegal immigrant of drunk actions. No more holiday drinking for you.
Ice that vagina down, get some coffee, and try not to walk with a limp. It's time to dominate, pull it together
If you say no to drinking on a Monday then I'm going to take you to the hospital for a MRI
He started saying the pledge of allegiance so his boner would go down. Merica.
someone snapchatted me a porn of two guys dressed up as pterodactyls double teaming a girl
To show us how offended you were you took off the right foot of your pterodactyl suit and proceeded to attack us with it.
I guess I'm an especially affectionate person under the influence of tequila.
Next time I pee on a car, I'll text you.
Walking actually physically hurts. We should do it again some time.
from across the room i saw you look into your beer and whisper "i love you"
Just realized how behind i am. Will gradually increase drinking until i don't remember that i missed an entire year of class.
You should probably come home from vacation now. I make badddd decisions when you're gone.
Randomize
