I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
FUCK TREES I CLIMB BUOYS MOTHERFUCKER
STOP listening to that song
no its okay don't call 911, she's alive. just stopped by her house and banged on her door. she said she turned her phone off because she "had to be alone with her shame and embarassment". typical.
doing shots has become such a natural thing to me that i just instinctively swallowed listerine
I just encountered the most annoying guy on the planet. I wanted to slap his milkshake out of his fat-boy hands while he was talking to me at the same time as slurping his liquid fat.
I love milkshakes.
Not the point.
Do you understand how much easier life would be if fannypacks were normal
i dont trust my judgment anymore so im only going to fuck guys who can donate blood at the red cross. they have standards.
Well be careful man. Be careful. Wear shoes in the house. Safety. Safety first, then teamwork.
Real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch buck Rodgers in Tuesday.
Jesus Christ you're perfect.
Decided I'm going to wear a shirt that says "I'm sorry" whenever we go back to that fraternity
You having your own car has severely reduced the amount of blowjobs I get.
I didn't see her "bad karma" tattoo until after I was balls deep
You just sat there staring at your apple and saying "I'm so glad you're here" to it every time you took a bite.
We were covered in sweat and glitter, making out onstage, in front of everyone. I think it was a good night.
He shit in the fireplace
Randomize
