My roommate got wasted last night and went to the 24 hour Bally's Total Fitness at 3 A.M. He got back took his shirt off, made a protein shake, puked, asked me if he was almost as jacked as Ronnie Coleman then called ME gay before I could say anything and went to bed
he keeps calling me but I'm too scared to answer... Not sure what he's gonna yell at me for: barging into his room while he was with another girl, filling her shoes with dog food and water, or hiding his keys in the garbage disposal.....
whenever I think of his sister, I just picture a chick with a huge beard
well what she called a "work function" most people call "doing shots with your boss while people throw napkins at you."
pretty sure that drunk girl we saw climbing the stairs is now DJing this club....
I burst into tears on the boat this morning because we bumped a duck in the head. I am way too hung over for today
You were sitting on the filthy kitchen floor eating a packet of grated cheese, and you were crying because you couldn't find any cheese.. I'd say our party was a success.
We just stood there eating chocolate chip pancakes, watching you sleep on the bathroom floor.
5% want to drink juice and feel better, 95% just want to touch your butt
He puked in the middle of it and I still wasn't disappointed.
Current dream situation- Gordon Ramsey is my Uber driver and he's hauling around a backseat filled with chocolate covered açai berries. I'm good for eternity.
Idk how I even got accepted into college because literally the only things my brain ever thinks about are YouTube videos of baby animals and sex.
I just ate your leftovers whilst watching Garfield and Friends. Thank you across the board.
Drink. Fuck. Waffle House. Repeat.
So I just watched a seagul attack my boss and steal his food in the parking lot. Today might not be a bad day lmfao.
Randomize
