I think my mom's writing a book called how to fuck with your kids when you know they're high
everyone has their kryptonite. mine just happens to be 18 year old blonde girls.
After the tests come back negative, you guys will look back on this evening with fond memories...
She always acts like she's doing me a favor with a hand job. I've been giving myself hand jobs for almost 20 years.
all im saying is that if he was a normal person, he would have fucked me by now.
I'm wearing your poncho, and only your poncho. I'm not getting pulled over like this.
Woah there. I lasted a semester and a fourth of college not having sex. trust me when i say keeping my virginity was an obstacle course of olympic proportions.
The virgin olympics. I would win the gold. For America.
Lest we forget our veterans. Also that two years ago I lost my virginity on this day in a hot tub. Go me for being the worst person on earth.
Current status: Finding an unwrapped portion of Subway sandwich in my purse at the pharmacy counter & picking pieces of tomato off my wallet while the pharmacist watches disdainfully.
Did you offer her some?
If only. Current status: Not that clever.
Just used the "Buddy" Poppy flower I got from a veteran to clean my one hitter. "I'm proud to be an American"
Will you remind me I changed my hotspot phone password to fuckyouprivilegedwhitedude
My moral compass kept pointing to his penis.
All I know is I woke up with my apartment door wide open, naked, and I poured an entire bottle of Advil on my bed to sleep in.
I'm definitely drunk. At the gyno. On my birthday. Life is a joooooooke
Get over your kidney infection all ready. You have been sober for too long.
Randomize
