I definitely ripped a mole off of her back in the process
Pls don't use the words alligator, purple, and sperm in the same sentence ever again.
My cousin just asked what abortion is. Happy Holidays.
What kind of flower means "I want to have unprotected sex with you, preferably from behind?" because thats the message I'd really like to send on Valentines Day
She clogged the toilet and got it out with a seven eleven bag. I tried to tell her no but she was convinced that was the logical thing to do.
There are regrets in my world today- mostly jager at that fucking altitude
But life is now good. Well, not good, good would be not wearing the penis hat with the extended family of the boy I just cheated on, but as good as it's going to get today
When I said to shut up, I meant it. I'm sorry you have a bald spot now, but it was necessary.
I don't wanna be gay for a night.
I think it would be worth it for free alcohol.
Every time I see him I get horny. I can't help it!
Just stop. You're making other wives look bad. We are all starting to hate you.
ALSO I MAYBE ACCIDENTALLY HAND CUFFED MYSELF TO A CHAIR
And the 'kicked out of Xmas party' trophy goes to me. 3rd nomination, first win.
I thought you were dead but then you asked me if your tits looked good. They did.
in the middle of telling this chick to sober up i was shotgunning beers. im gonna be ab awsome nurse.
I'm drinking because I just started here and every single person I work with wants to quit and when I asked a coworker how she's doing she literally just started crying.
Randomize
