I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
OMG. Drunk.
I'm so glad you fill me in on these things.
Sorry. Must've been trying to twitter.
The bartender told me the best pick-up line was to look deep into her eyes and tell her your gonna flick her vagina
He told me he could read braille... with his tongue. So I took him home. I don't think he was lying
sorry i walked in and ruined it, but i had to laugh she looked like a pile of bologna the way you had her pinned up on the wall
He's either a really good actor or an actual prince, I'm fine with both so I'll sleep with him.
I just heard the term negative masterbation and I don't believe it
You may have graduated college on time, but my 6th year ass gets to see awesome tits every day just for showing up.
i saw the poster for your lost tequila... what a shame
My only expectation is honesty. And three orgasms every time.
Sitting on the curb by new england comics with a weeping drunk girl who's eating french fries saying she'll never be as successful as her sister the hand model. She's scaring the nerds.
Drinking, I should not. Got here I don't know. Still drunk, I am. At courtneys.
Why is there multiple peanut butter and toasts stuck to the fridge door?
Idk I've taught my 18 month old how to say nipple so kids aren't all bad
im looking at the positives. number one it stopped me from hooking up with vince infront of his girl, number two it gave me something to do instead of throwing up and number three i fuckin rocked his world
Randomize
