that john and kate plus 8 dude has ruined asians for me
I'm sorry that you don't think that "Daddy Issues" are a real thing, but I can tell you that some assholes who never went to their daughter's dance recitals are responsible for getting me laid...continuously.
No i peed with you in the toilet. The guy I high fived was mid pee in front of the urinal
I'm playing a little game called "how many shots of jack can I take before I become a shit show tonight". All front row seats are sold out.
This guy in a neck brace is ordering bottle service at the strip club. Not sure whether to applaud his commitment or scorn his addiction. It's a draw.
Just caught my dad doing coke in my bathroom again. Guess whose getting a new car for christmasss.
That one life defining moment when you catch yourself pouring whisky into your hot chocolate at 4 am, whilst crying and talking to your dog.
I mean, I thought you would respect me for turning your life around for the better. It seems just yesterday that I found you in a ditch with a cock in your mouth.
I wish I was a power ranger. Also the universe is immense. Like it never ends. Never.
Hamster emergency. Can u come in here
The bag I'm bringing home for the weekend: a change of clothes, workout shoes, and sex toys, that's it.
these are times I'm glad I'm Jewish because the Torah is just like "drink, eat, and fuck"
I have to call my new boss to accept the job offer so you have pack the bowl while I pretend I'm a responsible adult THEN we can get high
He serenaded me a cappella to Ed Sheeran. I wasn't going to leave his dick unsucked.
What can i say, my face is nice and my body is just unreal. And my beer pouring/stealing is incredible \n
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