Blind date just said "Can't wait till I'm married so i can let myself go". There will be no second date.
Here's a fun fact your kittens ate my vomit last night
She wants her shit back. Clearly she missed the cheaters-get-their-shit-ritually-burned clause.
She has a concussion we think. Dancing to barbie girl.
just saw a dude in a v-neck sweater on a bike drinking starbucks. way to feed the stereotypes white dude.
threw up in the library. i should be embarrassed, but i'm willing to bet that i'm one of the first so i'm kinda proud.
I'm hungover in the park, and some guy just handed me a business card for his church. I can feel Jesus' disapproval running through my fingertips
It's that "make a Pringle and Twinkie sandwich" kind of depression.
No more drinking with Em. She was on the ground so much she looked like she belongs in a lifealert commercial
We are there now. They have a giant cock and balls with an eagles face and wings.
A guy is going to be inside me and I'm gunna start singing "I am stuck on your penis, cause your penis is stuck in meeee!"
Is it inappropriate to send a happy 3-year anniversary of having a threesome with you and your ex girlfriend on easter text?
Sorry bro I thought you were kidding. If I'm actually jerking off I usually said "Just a sec getting dressed" or something
I learned three things this morning. Don't get out of my car without my keys, don't let a girl paint my nail unless I'm getting laid by said girl, and lastly I learned how to break into my own car.
He had a tattoo of the Batman logo around his asshole. I noped right the hell out of there.
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