i wish they had a 'baby daddy' section in halmark, like, "hey, i know you didn't want this child and you're doing a horrible job, but here's to making you cry on fathers day"
I just ate an adderall and jelly sandwich in front of my mom. Homework time!
He thanked me for being "his little blond pogo stick last night". Good thing?
I'm thinking we can stop tracking my sex life by the hotels I've hooked up in and instead use bar bathrooms I've gotten head in.
No. No. And hell no. If you are driving a Honda Fit you are not allowed to give me a dirty look. No.
On the one year anniversary of me loosing my virginity... thousands of people will be taking their pants of on subways all around the world
It's like a tribute to you being a slut
Im blowing my nose and the only thing coming out is beer
it was good sex until i became a rubber doll and he became a jack hammer, so i guess overall it was good
nothing can ever be as bad as the night i blacked out, updated my fb status to i need a pity fuck and then passed out for 13 hours.
It got heated then she just left and I was all alone in the women's restroom.
So I'm about to drive his drunk ass home and he spits on my car. Before I can say, "Dude, what the fuck?!", he puts his finger to my lips and goes "shhh, its in the past."
Future roommate keeps sending me pictures of cool shit she has for our dorm and I'm just like "... I have a set of Aggie wine glasses a great set of tits."
We call her skankles because she's a skank and she has cankles, I thought that was obvious
Who put the meatball sub on my door handle?
We need to stop going on dates to the strip club.
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