Last night i was so high that i came home and did a taste test of every vitamin water and wrote theyre grade down on paper.
DO IT!!! IT MUST BE FATE THAT I GAVE YOU THAT CONDOM!!!!
Got hit on at a funeral service by cougar. I think I just got Reverse Will Ferrell'd.
she found me naked passed out on the toilet and i just kept repeating "i'm like elvis, but not dead."
Its not monday til someone throws up in the hallway
Watching crazy stupid love and drinking alone isn't what I thought it was gonna be
Its TONS better. Expect a drunk dial at 11:54
I just saw a douchebag with frosted tips & a LaCoste polo with popped collar driving a Call of Duty edition Jeep. It was a cavalcade of stereotypes.
I should be free tonight unless my 5 speed vibrator arrives in the mail today, than we might have scheduling conflicts.
I swear to the sweet baby jesus I didn't fill your freezer with salsa and my little pony toys, but I didn't stop them either.
Don't worry my mom is buying me a vasectomy for Christmas
he just ran into my room in his giant penis costume yelling "supercock to the rescue"... I am still in total shock
Just let me pee on you and I'll leave you alone.
You said "I feel like a koala bear. Do you ever just feel like a koala bear?" This is your brain on drugs.
Woman doing my Brazilian right now says to tell you she says hi...what has our life come to?
I need to go home for the safety of everyone in a 10 mile radius, especially me
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