i wish my penis had a tongue
The woman in front of me has a completely clear purse. I can see everything. It's ballsy because her vagisil is on display.
You're having sex and i just smoked and made oatmeal...i'll give you some time to be jealous
If you dedicate your next bite to me, I'll dedicate my first orgasm to you.
I woke up naked, with 10 visible bite marks and a black eye. I'm just going to assume that it was a good night.
She just messaged me 19 sad faces.
Hey we need to step our game up. Dad has us beat; he stole a vending machine once.
Whoever I saved in my phone as "Jackpot" last night has your keys.
I'm watching intervention which is getting me psyched for your birthday. Is that wrong?
The number of people who end up getting laid as a result of the cha cha slide....is terrible.
Like, what's the customary waiting period to hookup with your newly single ex that you never stopped hooking up with?
Just saw a guy I fucked in a clown suit in the bar. It's not Halloween. I have got to start making better life decisions.
Yo, I can't just ask my mom where she relocated my vibrator to, can I?
I can't name a single part of my body that isn't sore. Who says break up sex is bad sex?
How are you getting in?
I know some influential drag queens
Pretty sure I scared her away last night by putting a vodka tampon in my ass
Randomize
