After last night I still want u
But please keep that on the DL
What are you wearing to our high school reunion?
I don't know, What kind of dress says "I feel sorry for you people?"
:( I miss blowjobs.
This is probably the strangest conversational segue we've ever had.
I woke up to a text that said "You're a fucking asshole" Why is she so pissed at me?
Im guessing it has something to do with running up to her boyfriend screaming "THIS IS SPARTA" and kicking him in the balls.
Is that considered a cock block?
There's a naked kid on the floor on your side of the bed. Don't freak out when you wake up. I think we need to fix the lock on the door...
Wish i knew who the f is sending me pics of asian newborns.
i think the penis that was inside of me changed my life
No you usually just ranted about the voicemail bitch until she cut you off again
I might have hooked up with a 2003 alumni last night in the basement
Dude you were ten when he graduated
Wahoowaaaaaaa
I was wearing the shirt my little sister got for her birthday when the condom broke. I finally have it back to her and told her it was bad luck
I heard from the downstairs bathroom "WHY CAN'T I WIPE MY ASS IN PEACE!" and a pisscrate of glass bottles breaking
Thanks for the pic It's going to be lovely dealing with my boner while I'm in a meeting with your father.
Easy. Go to walmart, buy a bag of charcoal. everyone gets a present and it's cheap.
1. so the new neighbor u called dibs on.. I'm sorry..but not really. 2. She lactates, I guess that happens when you have a kid less then 5 months ago.... WTF!! 3. Is it fucked up I'm craving Ceral & Milk now?
Found her grinding on my boss with her tongue down her throat last night. Guess who just got promoted!
Randomize
