im pretty sure that there was a mint leaf in my poop this morning. i love mojito season.
i thought i was the drunkest one there til some girl puked in the tip jar.
I told her I'd give her some of the cream I was using so she didn't get my warts. That's when I realized I was too drunk.
my roomates packed me a lunch. it had bread, cheesewiz, a can of refried beans and a condom with a note that said "good luck on your first day". im not even gonna pretend to be mad.
You were doing karaoke. Then you screamed "SHOUTOUT TO ADAM LAMBERT" and started making out with the very surprised looking guy next to you.
saying that you may be able to suck the gay out of me was just my way of getting a blowjob...thank you for the valiant effort.
Just found a wrench in the washing machine. Sooo not doing your laundry anymore.
I'm sorry I compared your vagina to nascar
just saw sorostitutes streaking near the university president's house. thank you tequila day
It wasn't a basement apartment, it's his parents basement. And he wanted to show me his pet tarantula collection. I NOPED THE FUCK OUT!
Well if homeless lesbian experimenting divorcée is your new M.O., you're gonna need to start drinking more anyway so if that's what it takes to talk about it tomorrow afternoon, bottoms up bitch
Stripping out of my teacher clothes to Talk Dirty to Me. Who let me become a teacher?
I miss you.
Yeah, I don't want to have sex.
You ate all the burritos in sight....I cant take you to mexican restaurants anymore
Dude... this pee is not alleged
YOU SAT ON MY LAP!
Wuddup pee lap
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