i'm using a wine bottle as a spitter. how classy is that.
Sometimes i wish my penis was detachable that way i could take it off sometimes so i wouldnt get into these situations
I'm riding in a wheelchair, being pulled by a golf cart. You need to be here.
styled my pubes into a mustache as a surprise. Thought you should know
I had a dream where I was about to fight you but you were dressed like a greek god and had just killed a werewolf with your bare hands
She showed me her tits and my first thought was "I want these to feed my future children." I'm scared.
You were all "think outside the box, inside the bag!" as you filled your camelback with beer.
Sorry you had to clean the sheets with your macro notes
Your trash is full of condoms and yoohoos what a great life we live
we're spending all day in bed drinking spiked eggnog and fucking
Ripping out my IUD in Dave and busters bathroom
Twas still the Saturday before Christmas \nAnd it’s still fucking snowing\nAnd Steve wished he slowed down \nOn all the fucking drinking
Can you confirm that you aren't dead?
The neighborhood cougar just purred at me while I was doing yard work. I’m terrified and tumescent
I think it's a bit on the nose for the Uber driver to play stairway to heaven while driving like A psycho.
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