so i texed my mom when i was trashed last night and said "i know its 3 am, just go to bed and i'll be back by the time we leave for the airport"
You admitted to me in secrecy that you want to jerk off a unicorn.
Her vagina smelled like bad decisions
I am solely responsible for the birth of their child. I mean, I did push them into the room and hold the door shut yelling "punch that kitty!". It has to be a sign.
We could be hammered at a childrens film. You failed me
I JUST ATE A STRANGE BURRITO, I SHOULD NOT BE EXPECTED TO KNOW ANYTHING RIGHT NOW.
The EMT told me when I left the ER "I'd like to take off your pants again and inspect your package. Just not during a medical emergency..." We're hooking up tonight.
Points for getting a hot hook up after getting a shard of glass in your thigh. Almost makes it worth it.
I inhaled my own vomit, how was your night?
you start one little fire by the lake and the police want to talk to you all night...
Nothing warms my heart more than the sight of a naked hockey player in my bed.
For the first time in my life, I still have money by the next payday. Who is this responsible person and what have they done with the real me?
But forealz I'm gonna need a solid 52 orgasms so hydrate.
In the last 3 weeks my drunken adventures have caused me to lose 2 credit cards, one debit card, a bracelet, two purses, and my $500 phone... Maybe i should quit drinking.
stop texting me about your public sex.
says she who narrated getting eaten out in a movie theatre over text to me
I miss painting strippers for Christmas. Holidays not the same without glitter and body paint
I'll be your substitute stripper tonight.
Randomize
