you know you are hungover when... you set your alarm for the next time you think you are going to throw up
I wonder if they have a "21st birthday" section in the hospital..
I never knew so many sexual things could be done while wearing footie pajamas
She's an honest to god fucking ballerina. She did things I don't have names for.
Tell me I'm the only person you know who could punch someone at the bar, get escorted out, smoke a cig with the cop who almost arrested me AND get the security guy who escorted me out to buy me drinks.
She stumbled into class and Google image searched nipple piercings for the entire 75 minutes
And then he serenaded me with "Pimps don't cry" from 'The Other Guys'. If that's not love I'm not sure what is
I made everyone scream the national anthem with me after playing true American last night. I'm pretty much their leader now.
Okay. So I've done lines off a bible. But that's just for the sake of being cliché.
But I don't wanna live with them bc I need to be able to walk around naked and sex on any surface guilt free.
The girls said some drunk guy in footie pajamas was asking for me when they opened the doors. I thought we agreed you were gonna stay home and microwave me some bacon.
My boss asked me to pass over one of my business cards and instead I had condoms fall out of my wallet, how’s your day going??
I woke up to the smell of shame and vomit in my hair... went to the bathroom to shower and passed out... woke back up naked with the blow dryer on... thanks for making my birthday a success
I'm on someone's yacht. I don't know who. But I'm on it. There's a guy passed out in a kilt holding bagpipes. Help.
Just because I'm asexual doesn't mean I can't have a revenge fuck.
Randomize
