i took some ambien and I TRIPPED out...i went into my mom's room to say goodnight and i don't remember anything...she said that i got really pissed at her because we were living in the Keebler elf tree and she was visiting other trees, then i started laughing hysterically and she goes "whats so funny?" and i go "there are 7 people sitting on my knees" and she goes "doesn't that hurt?" and i said "no we're sitting in a bowl" and then i capped it off and said "join the crazy train bro" and passed out.
I think I'd rather ejaculate tabasco. You'd have to scrape out guacamole.
last time I sleep in the lobby. woke up to some girl asking me what floor I lived on. somebody put me, couch included, on the elevator.
i just ran into our bio chem professor at the bar. apparently, he doesn't follow the "no slapping your students' asses" rule.
That weatherman I hooked up with is on TV again
Now there are nude photos of that bangin hot Russian spy chick...this is officially the best scandal ever.
Just bought a McDouble with a tightly rolled dollar. The lady just gave me a sad face...
Dear Derek. I would like to offer my sincerest apology for the 2 to 6 text messages you are about to read. Also for the 15 minute voicemail, which may or may not have sent. Sincerely, Sober Katie
Just got complimented on my chugging... Car bombs show how good I am at swallowing, they should be my new pickup line.
Thankfully US customs doesnt have a checkbox for bringing semen into the country because my hair would still be in CDC quarantine
How would your parents feel if we installed a sex swing?
he can get married early and ruin his life but he sure as hell isn't ruining mine with a shitty bachelor party
I can not believe he edited a picture of our three way and made it his profile picture
It's a good thing vaginas don't have taste buds
You probably shouldn't do that...but if you do take pictures
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