he needs to stop telling all his friends what my queefs sound like. its getting awkward to be around people who can quote my vagina.
Convinced the bartender that I'm a congressman. Free Drinks. God bless America.
I understand why you refuse to be sober now
This guy at the party just introduced himself to me as "the guy who sat behind you on a plane last year"
Today's face brought to you by last night's make-up.
And our DD is passed out in the bathtub with the curtain closed. What happened tonight
I think you would be disgusted with me if you knew how many times I had imaginary sex with you today
I understand why they say don't drink the water in Mexico... I just saw 5 guys piss upstream of where the bar tender went to get the water
Two things: Why did I wake up in a pool of blood? And am I still invited to the wedding?
No idea. And yes be here at 4
Whoa, I am aware of WAY too many squirrels right now...
I got drunk by myself and ended up listening to Beethoven in the dark.
She said to me, without hesitation, "make me an offer better than my sugar daddy and I'll go with you"
I'm scrolling through our convo thread and all we talk about is pizza, alcohol & dick with the occasional "I miss you" thrown in.
That's crazy. Wow that lady must be fucked up
Yeah I hope she's okay.
I'm still going to fuck her husband but I do hope she's okay.
Just calling to thank you for not dying. I love you.
Randomize
