so my aunt is sitting on the couch, eating a brownie and watching the biggest loser saying how it's not that hard to eat healthy
man i love america
Ur keys r in ur purse. ur purse is on the couch. ur cigs r on ur front seat. u drank all ur wine. mollie took ur jkt bc u cockblocked her. and in case anyone asks, the saints won 31-17.
There's a certain level of slut that i can handle.... I think she just broke that scale
I found them on a couch next to the sidewalk screaming at cars with a megaphone. Kevin chased the mailman with a jello shot.
My vagina would be awesome. I would be the most popular girl in the village.
Dad, is it in any way illegal for me to run around throwing handfuls of lucky charms at people tomorrow?
you're kidding right?
He really thought ahead and just left the tequila in the mail box for late night pickup. Best. Friend. Ever.
You guys bombarded us in the bathroom and that kid whipped his dick out and peed in the sink.
You went full blown lifeguard... You wouldn't let me sleep until I was in the safety position, so I wouldn't die in my sleep...
Somehow I've got the party rigged to where I get a foot massage every time someone wants a beer out of the fridge. Hellz yeah
Two months ago an unknown man was in my bed and now he is my boyfriend and he has 1.6 million in the bank and he buys me things because I only have $4.35 in my bank account
It could happen to you too!
Stormed out of the house in frustration and now I'm in public and have to take a rage dump. Today sucks.
everything in the house taste like gin even the water, friday nite was a success
You left me a really long voicemail saying, "Hey, it's meeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee." and then the rest is just loud laughter
The more drunk I get the more I want to steal a lamb
What would be the possible repercussions of lamb theft
Randomize
