My room smells like vodka and shame
They were so slutty we had to play "rarely have I ever."
She was so happy she found her sunglasses, that she blew me. Im now randomly hiding things of hers in hopes she'll find them and I'll get a repeat performance.
I just introduced him to multiple male orgasms. I love wine AND tequila
You spilled spaghetti on the floor, and kept telling the noodles to "settle down" as you tried to clean it up
the kid throwing up and laying face down on the deck just asked ME if I'M okay...
I love your family. Oh. And on a completely unrelated note, I know where we can steal a dog.
I asked if he wanted to come over and he said he was busy. Then I sent him a pic of me in the bath with the bottle of wine I already finished and all of a sudden he was free. Booty calls are too easy.
Ok I've processed it. Who the fuck makes out drunk in a parking lot in a backseat with the windows down in the middle of the day?!?!
Just went to my first strip club and they had Fox News on. Conservative booty time.
Why would you waste your Ritalin on your children?
I really don't know how I went from having a few drinks to waging war against ghosts in my apartment but here we are
If you send me one more .gif of that fumble, I will make the 10 hour drive just to set you on fire.
CyberMonday=Bulk Condom Shopping For 2018
Nothing says I'm doing some sketchy shit like coming out of your bedroom with your underwear inside out
Randomize
