y did u give ur computer a hand job?
How does everyone that never saw me naked know I'm built like a smurf?
Well i threw up in my mouth a few times. But i successfully swallowed it. Still going strong.
I give him blow jobs while he watches sports.. how am I not his gf yet??
Also we decided you're the person whose going to die at my bachelor party...do the math you're the most logical choice
Was I shouting at a fire engine last Friday?
I feel like my teeth are sweating.
i'm having flashbacks of crying and telling you i was made out of egg salad.
If I were you I'd use my green card to do more coke and less talking
The lady at the Humaine Society gave me her nephew's number because I seem like a loving and caring person.
Does she know that each time you've adopted a new cat in the past year it's because some guy stopped fucking you and you don't want to eat your feelings?
I Have a huge scrape on my knee and I need a better excuse than dry humping on a park bench...
The sad part is I didn't even want to get laid. I just wanted the emotional connection, but my vagina was screaming "TOUCH ME. TOUCH ME RIGHT NOW BECAUSE MY DADDY ISSUES ARE MUCH DEEPER THAN MY EMOTIONAL NEEDS!" Vodka has a way of getting me out of my emotions and gets me fucked every time.
You either got a dog, or you have a boy over. I can't tell from the noises which it is.
You said if the geese can walk on the lake so can I.
If there's someone that knows accidental pantlessness, it's Mike.
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