3 deer just ran past us on the street. At least I get to see some tail tonight
You were right, I'm so drunk and I want to eat the shit out of my vanilla cupcake candle it smells delish
Experience is the best teacher
The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
the bouncer watched the girl drop her ID, saw me pick it up and say OMG SHE LOOKS LIKE ME, and then let me use it to get into the bar
You know your high, when your chugging applesauce out of the jar with no utensils.
An image of us stuck like that like Pompeii comes to mind. A wonder for future anthropologists
I'm considering offering a class on how to find good porn.
i convinced him to be a french maid for halloween. he has no idea what he's in for. i just ordered the breast forms.
I feel like every young boy's first wet dream is too have sex with the Pink Ranger. I am now fulfilling that dream for one man. I am a hero.
And tan into my neighbor in the elevator. She was going to the gym. I was covered in mascara and dog hair eating a hash brown
Vasectomy results are in. No swimmers in the water. REPEAT. No swimmers in the water. Come help me harness my new found super-power
NOT ALL OF US HAVE THE HANDS OF GODDAMN ANGELS YOU KNOW
It's a sad day when you're not really phased by the McChicken video only because you've seen weirder porn.
Please don't fuck the professor. We both know that won't end well.
I just elbowed a roll of wrapping paper, and said “ohh sorry”. I’m still drunk.
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