My mom caught just caught me jerking off...in her room.
the guy in front of me just bought a pound of bacon, a bouquet, and a case of budlight, i want to see THAT makeup sex
where'd the toddler underneathe the beer pong table come from?
I don't know what's happening. Everyone is wearing beaks.
On an unrelated side note: I shall now attempt to crawl to the bathroom. Where I will lay motionless on the cold ceramic bathtub with hot water pouring over my shivering body as I desperately try not to vomit. Good day.
Random memory from the wedding, the bartender showed us how to open the windows and piss out of them.
We fucked in my trunk while on the clock....what did you do at work today?
I got to the party and found your shoes in a bag of Funyuns. You weren't even there.
We need a bunch of roses, some chocolate, 2 cops, a mariachi band, and a thermometer
Again? Most people check out of hotels, they don't escape from them
Still drunk on my morning "run" which has turned into a walk. Just burped fireball
I JUST WANTED TO GET SOME MOTHER FUCKING TACOS I AM SINGLE AS FUCK TACOS BRING PREOPLE TOGETHER OKAY
so this maintenance guy stood at the corner of my cubical and scratched his balls for like a full minute cause he thought no one could see him
So today the police came to my dorm to look for weed, i didn't have any in the room, so i let them in. they apologized for any inconvenience and then left after finding nothing. then i realized i was wearing gauges with weed leaves on them lol
apparently i ended up downloading "thats amore", giving him head, and singing it... all at the same time
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