did i by any chance text you anything about feathers last night?
you mean faeutihaers?
Now go wash the fat girl off your hands.
I was pretending that it wasn't happening. Until we had to roll down the windows as she was vomiting apologies into a Target bag.
He puked on the grill while the burgers were on. We had to go to taco bell
Now that I'm hitting my bong, I realized I haven't missed something so much in a long time. I love Thomas the Dank Engine.
There's a dead squirrel in the freezer. Is that what you stopped to get out of the road last night?
I sleep texted my mom and asked her for a condom last night
That's the 3rd time I've gone home with her and she passed out on me. I poured 6 boxes of cereal on her and left
Captain Morgan does not know self control. Nor does he teach it.
I was drunk and on Craigslist.. The drunk-text offers people got must have been either horrifying or glorious
She passed out in my baby sister's room so we put her in one of my grandma's diapers, put a pacifier in her mouth, put her in my sister's crib and took pictures.
I'm just hitting the tip of the iceberg on accents for this trip...so basically my panties are done for.
please don't forget about the bread in the toilet i am absolutely not dealing with that
I don't know which is weirder: that she was old enough to have a live-in son close to my age, or that the woman he was with was close to hers
fyi: first time in five days i havent washed my birth control down with liquor. when are we going out tonight?
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