I found my crush's facebook page. And his wife's. Apparently they are still in love. Of all the people to have happy marriages! Fuck, I'm depressed.
i walked into the first stall,, but there was no paper, so i'm in the other one. a little kid is in the one without paper now and is making a lot of noise. curious how this'll turn out for him.
hey did I tally my arm again of # of shots?
nope, you were tallying rejections at the party
don't worry, your friend will b fine, they treat virgins nicely around here
You were throwing ham at people telling them you were the sandwhich fairy
And here i was gonna offer you a complimentary blowjob.
It's never too late to be topless.
Jen gave my number to some guy she met in NY. He sent me a picture of his weiner. He had nice shoes. I replied with a pic of bacon.
When in doubt always reply with bacon.
When you get to his house tomorrow, follow your instincts. Find the cat first.
Just walk up to him nice, spread your legs like smooth peanut butter on toast and scream "LOOK AT MY BEAVER! LOOK AT IT!!"
Can you bring me the toilet please
VAL. THIS MOTHERFUCKER IS LAYING IN MY BED WEARING A CAT SHIRT, VAL. COME SAVE ME, VAL.
Nothing kills the mood like him going to slap my ass and he hits his balls at the same time
I fit in backpacks. BOOM HERE I AM! Like a stripper from a cake.
I hooked up with a sophomore, passed out at midnight, and apparently drunkenly peed on Nicole's wedding invitation
Randomize
