My eyes are so dilated i literally have night vision right now.
People in love make me want to vomit
a dead guy is trying to sell me oxy clean on my tv
I get drunk and say inappropriate things... you get drunk and sleep with inappropriate people. it's what we do.
I'm writing my will in case I die this week, it'll be saved on my computer under: little 500 death scenario
Are you asking me on a date where we get shithoused and do some fingerpainting?
Like do you realize his dealer came out with a gun and we laughed like it was all just fun and games...
I forgot to tell you, wear something you can puke on Saturday. We're christening this marriage with a shot of jager. NOT KIDDING.
Gregs sitting in the living room in his underwear hitting the bong watching a rob schneider movie. His lack of fuck giving is inspirational
Nothing is worse than post drunken playoff baseball loss sex
My sister was borrowing my phone when the sext came through. She just said "wow. He's got a nice dick!" Then went on like nothing happened. Outed by a dick pic and its no big deal. Best sister ever.
Batchelotette party success. I woke up on the floor in nothing but a thong, a garter and a shirt that says Just Do Me.
Would it be weird if i sent him a "happy fuckiversary" text?
last night i was way too drunk and i was forcing people to let me tell them about mammals
FYI - Don’t go in the downstairs bathroom. Ryan is passed out naked on the floor with a raging hard on.
Randomize
