The worst part of it is that he's not the first man I've fucked with 2+ chihuahua's.
I woke up hugging a loaf of bread and a water bottle this morning
My face left an imprint in the loaf...
I have never heard someone not give a fuck so poetically in my life. I feel like you should be leading men into battle with a speech like that
Would it be bad if I bought her bread, meat, cheese, and stuff as her christmas present so she can make me a sandwich?
and ive been naked for the greater part of the evening. alone, drunk, and naked. i think that is how all great interventions start.
Just made out with a girl I dated in high school, and she told me her girlfriend likes me. I like where this is going.
I'm drunk in your building find me and we can have sex.
She said she forgot something.. and when she came out she was carrying a garden gnome, and a bottle of vodka. she was too hot to question it.
I have nothing to say other than the obvious 'we probably shouldn't have done that' and the less obvious 'i think you bruised my labia major' ...?
I ripped off the screen and literally supermaned through my bedroom window. That wasted
Are you saying I'm your favorite hot mess?
I'm actually my favorite my hot mess, but you're a close second.
If I hear you use the phrase "silky soft scrotum" one more time I swear to God you'll regret it
Everytime I come home this stoned I masturbate in the shower for that long, its like my lonely ritual. Accept me.
Sorry I threw up all over your Lyft.
It's ok I woke up next to a dumpster.
Found my paycheck. It was in the freezer
Randomize
