Did you just throw up mid-sentence?
i was gonna fuck her but then she started eatin sushi from her purse. i really need to raise my standards
I don't know which part of you thought this was funny but it's fucked up to wake up in that much fluff and now we don't have a couch. Fuck you.
You almost set me on fire last night.
You probably deserved it.
Welp just pooped in a garbage can. Guess I'm not better than you at life in any aspect.
They shouted last call and the guy next to me and I looked each other up and down and went in unison "yup, you'll do"
I kinda wanna Instagram the giant vag stain on my sheets. That is something to be proud of. It's a Christmas miracle.
No I have an idea, I saw you running through the neighborhood at 3am while I searched for my flip flops in a ditch
in honor of breaking bad starting soon, i am now banging a walter white lookalike. viva heisenberg!
I've lost every trace of self esteem. Even sneaking a BJ in the coffee room has lost it's luster.
WHEN THE HELL DOES ANYTHING IN OUR LIVES *EVER* GO AS PLANNED???
Nice. I got home at like 3am.stopped at Walmart for a vacuum and weirdly a trash can. Not sure why high me last night needed a new trashcan.
he came with me to get plan b but they didn't have any. when I started crying he said "come on it's not that bad.. ill go get sandwiches from the vending machine and we'll have our first meal together as a family"
We got stoned and watched Disney movies all night. I think I'm in love.
Only good thing about being an essential worker is that I have a letter allowing me to cross the bridge into jersey to get booze
Randomize
