You were telling me about how you were gonna marry him, have his children and name them all woodchip.
The bartender let me pay my bar tab with my itunes giftcards.
look. either you want to have late night naked sleep overs or you don't. do not involve dinner and extraneous conversations in this relationship.
searching "dave" under the university of pittsburgh on facebook was not exactly how i hoped to find my baby daddy
I'm in a hotel full of Marines. I'm leaving here pregnant.
Every time you come over you bleed on everything. I'm not calling Verizon again asking if blood is considered water damage.
God damn. I'm really starting to resent babies. They're everywhere. Like fucking land mines.
i feel like i got punched in the cervix. he's a little different in bed than i thought he would be..
The last thing I remember was doing a line in the shape of Texas
And I'd make him talk dirty to me. In Forrest Gump's voice.
The two of us decided to throw a spur-of-the-moment parade and the next thing I know we're 4 miles down the road being followed by 65 drunk strangers
Just saw our highschool guidance counselor at the bar and he's taken six shots in the last hour. Those teenagers have fucking hardened him.
He and I tag each other in memes all day. You could say it's getting pretty serious.
I'm basically the yoda of knowing when someone wants to sleep with you
Just ate 2 pieces of pizza in the shower.. New low or fuckin brilliant??
Randomize
