I think my plan to not drink this week was just ruined by my mothers discovery of the chat function on facebook
i walked into his room and he was eskimo kissing his weed..
I find it ironic that im starting my birth control on mothers day.
i just realized that the oil change sticker on my windshield is a day before the last time i had sex. I've driven exactly 10500 miles since.
you need to get laid.. and an oil change.
i'm sorry, i thought "hey, she wants TO FUCK YOU" was a good enough cue
He told me all about his plan for proposing to his girlfriend as pillow talk.
It feels like my uterus is trying to crawl out of my ass wearing cleats. And yourself?
This is the fourth day in a row I've walked outside in the same pajamas. I think the neighbors have finally given up on judging me.
How bad would it be if I wore out the dress we got peed on in. You're the only one who knows.
so the kid in line in front of me at walmart just bought roses and a Plan B pill. Happy Valentines Day.
Nothing says I'm committed to you for all eternity like letting him wear crocs to the wedding
Terrible idea I love it
You're supposed to discourage my sluttiness not bring me hot Colombian men
We were all having a bath, the three of us, then that drug dealer guy walked in and peed. Sitting down. Apparently he didn't want to offend us.
It’s a prereq for med school, so I hope the professor likes blow jobs
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