I can't tonight. I'm still nursing a beach sex injury. Don't wanna talk about it.
dude I just sharted for the first time ever, kind of gross
well what did you think, shitting your pants would be fun
he let me duct tape his mouth because i said it was my fetish, i really just wanted him to shut up
and then we had to stop you from trying to pour shots through your nose with the neti pot.
Let's play a little game of "Last Night Never Happened"
If I end up married to you I better get lots of orgasms to help me forget I failed at life.
You asked her to play "the coma game" with you while hooking up, and then passed out in her bed. She couldn't wake you up so she slept on the floor.
Looks like I won that one
I don't have patience to seek someone out and try to decipher whether or not I think I'd want to actually have their dick in my face.
Running across campus through Hurricane Sandy while hammered and in a slutty cowgirl costume obviously should be top priority tonight
You know what I realized today? That my biggest regret of freshman year was ditching you and that foam party to have a one night stand with a skinny jean wearing vocal major.
I am concerned for your priorities but also really flattered. Flattery wins
Just Peed in a cup for my country. Fighting the good fight.
in a meeting in my bathtub while predrinkin for tonight. technology.
Its 6:30pm and dad just drunk called me asking me what the alarm code at home is..... I'm at home, and dad isn't here.....
I woke up on the damn lawn again...it's not even summer yet
How early is too early to start day drinking? Asking for a friend
About five minutes ago. You’re good now.
Randomize
