remember when you found twisted pleasure condoms in my parents bathroom? theyre gone.
I get so lonely sometimes I set my phone's alarm to go off every 5 minutes or so and imagine people are texting me.
woke up this morning with pubes superglued to my face, not my pubes
This smoking ban is really fucking with my ability to fart in public
Dude she has a fucking rock collection. Never will I ever talk to her again.
You weren't lying about those ceramics students giving the best hand jobs.
Exactly. wat kind of friend would i be if i even pretended to give a shit about ur problems
every time i wear that dress i get kicked out of a bar.
SURVIVED FINALS. CAN'T DIE FROM ALCOHOL POISONING. NOTHER SHOT. CAPS.
Just got my stitches out.. Now I can give a proper hand job
Why are there jello shots in the kitchen drawer?
Yeah I remember doing the worm in my moms room. While she's yelling at me and I'm making seagull nooises
I was going to learn how to knit but I got high instead.
we've talked on the toilet we're linked now
Just woke up to the cat unconscious on my stomach, his face between my tits, purring to bring down the walls. I'm endeared and horrified at the same time.
Randomize