you better believe me or I'll punch you in the face
I literally just saw a campus policeman riding a Segway pull over a moving car. you should just give up.
Ryan just walked out of his frat house with a case of beer, a 6 dollar bottle of vodka, and a pillow. He's good to go.
Tonight is one of those "I'm wearing a shirt as a dress" nights because I need to get laid.
I told the hostess, two bouncers and a manager i was roofied and made them smell my beer. Turns out I just picked up some stupid bitches CHERRY WHEAT beer by mistake. I insisted they replace my lost beer.
So I woke up in a strange bed with a note taped to my arm giving me directions back to my brothers apartment.
and by clear my head i mean get drunk and cry myself into oblivion.
OH. MY. GOD. FUCK HIM. JUST GRAB HIM AND FUCK HIM.
Why were you not born a dude?
Because god wanted to level the playing field
So for St Paddys day I colored my junk green and got a little hat for him....wanna see it before I sober up....
SHE'S PREGNANT AS SHIT, AND I JUSR PEELED A CLEMENTINE TO CHASE SHOTS WITH!! COULD LIFE GET ANY BETTER!?
Saw my drug dealer at Easter mass with his family so that was weird
He looks like a Mormon from a lifetime movie. Oddly I wanna give him a hand job
he had a cock ring. i orgasmed before he even put it in
We had sex in Lake Michigan for an hour Sunday.
Thanks for ruining an entire lake for me. I hate you so much right now.
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