I'm fucking your sister right now.
You motherfucker
She's next.
bras are like tupperware for tits, keeps em fresh.
i know, but like... i wanna be a CLASSY i'm-stealing-your-date kind of slutty...
Just because i have a masturbation problem doesnt mean you can put 20 photos of Jesus in my room.
i'm at a baby shower....never been happier to not be having sex currently
Sober me does NOT approve of what went on in my pants last night.
Leave the bottle at home cause either way I'm not taking another shot. You have no idea how long it took me to compose this text free of grammatical error.
Gold star for you, but I'm on my way and the soco is buckled in next to me. This is happening.
Can you bring home an IV stand and an empty bag so I can direct inject coffee for work tomorrow morning?
Having a heartfelt conversation with your boyfriends mom while sexting her son. If that's not multitasking, I don't know what is.
My new boobs got me 12 drinks at the concert. Whose the real winner here?
He offered to take me to my appointment after breakfast then kind of just sat there and watched me get a papsmier. Most awkward first date ever.
I basically have the attention span of a ferret on meth when it comes to men
Yeah, I'm just gonna try to repress that and remember him for his big dick and perfect jawline.
Were you seriously humming twinkle twinkle little star while cupping my balls?
Peru was great. He sent me a text after thanking me for my amazing morals which confused me but made me oddly proud...then he texted a correction. He meant my amazing oral. Sadly this Made me prouder. Fuck u bitches and ur morally inhibiting gag reflexes.
Randomize
