I need to go to a fraternity... my boobs are telling me to.
Would you want me to push you down the stairs OR throw you a baby shower?? Real talk
Then pass out next to me, I'll be under a pong table or a park bench. Really depends on the weather during Mifflin
I JUST FOUND AN INTERNATIONAL POLE DANCING CHAMPIONSHIP IN SPANISH
Some toppless girl just walked past me in the hall and gave me half a carton of smokes. I have never been more aroused.
So I guess I bought a cat last night. Fuuuccckkk.
It would be awesome if I knew whose teeth these were in my pocket
I think I passed out drunk at my own jewelry party
Drunk him got in a fight with his wife he literally bought a plane ticket and flew to Hawaii. He just called me and asked why I let it happen. From Hawaii hahaha.
That dick was not the dick of a twenty year old
I have an empty apartment, Chinese food, and fresh batteries in my vibrator. There's nothing on this earth that could lure me out tonight.
It's scary that my vibrator is a dangerous weapon. I want a new one.
He's a douche. But I like the way he chokes me.
I am 11 times too hungover to give the eulogy
Its nights like last night that make me want to high five my liver.
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