i'm in hospital, i have an exam in 3 hours and the man in the cubicle next to me is doing a noisy poo. this has to get better.
about to play the homeward bound drinking game. alone. what are you doing tonight?
Good to know: if a hot girls asks to go back to my place, she probably just needs to vomit all over my bathroom
I just threw up in a patch of wild flowers on the side of the road. I never knew rock bottom was so beautiful.
I was handcuffed to a girl for half-an-hour. And I'm still the only one in the house who didn't get laid.
Get in the lobby, you have to sign my boxers
I found out why they kept calling her "CD". It was short for "Crab Dip". You're fucked.
So my birthday was awesome. Only remember 45 min of it but I woke up with a girl on the couch and a half bowl of ground beef
Yeah I should probably start planning our first conversation instead of our first child.
I found him in bed on a pullout couch with another dude. He had two empty puke buckets and his empty bottle of jagermeister right by his head.
Hahaha my philosophy professor just opened class with "I had a shitty weekend and I was at the bar until 815 this morning. So bear with me".
If you've never yelled, "fuck you ray Lewis" in front of your 87 year old grandfather you haven't lived
I got another blow job proposal last night. Skills.
I was looking at our sex bingo and pretty much every single row or column has at least one kind of person that is harder to find than all the rest
We've made things harder for ourselves
The struggle will be part of the fun
I should probably stop opening conversations with 'guess who's horny'.
Randomize
