Are you with Adam and his vodka?
Yeswdsssss I masde his pickle gi away ans he go anbnoued
she sounds like chewbacca in bed
is asking a girl out on a date while in another girls bed in poor taste?
I bought a fake diamond ring to wear, not only to bars to keep the creeps away, but so that I'll be judged less by the front desk girl at Planned Parenthood
you called me in the middle of the night, wandering the streets, in search of "the ultimate burrito"
Woke up with my face in a bowl of cereal. This is tequila's way of saying fuck you.
We haven't said piping hot jizz in awhile... that needs to come back into our conversations
I just took the cheapest shot in your honor
pretty sure I just came the closest to throwing up in my pants that I'm ever gonna get. I'd like to thank the academy and the hangover thatt I hope actually kills me in the morning.
I mean honestly, I love naps like Anthony Weiner loves sending dick pics
In case you were wondering how drunk I was last night, there was an unopened slim Jim in front of my door and I ate it.
returning from a 6am booty call in 2 feet of snow on a Tuesday is a bold new kind of low for me
I mean, I bought pot and shampoo before I ran out. I think I can adult.
I'm thinking my boss switched to all cordless keyboards and mouses so that none of us would hang ourselves in the office.
i was too drunk before they even got here. i took all their phones instead of keys and hid them in the freezerr...im an awesome party host.
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