We went to the police station completely hammered looking for you. Don't tell me I'm not a good friend.
There isn't a single transaction on my online bank account that doesn't involve drugs or alcohol since November 12
Theres was an instant understanding between us being drunk on the trampoline at four in the morning and the people walking down the road at the same time
She didn't even ask about the dinosaur pinata in my trunk. Like at this point I think these are the things she expects from me
Heed the warning of the ghost of Oktoberfest present: German beer is soooooooo much better than our watered down children's piss. also lost all my clothes and am wearing lederhosen the rest of the trip.
Wondering when "babysitting" formed into "sleeping on the couch for five hours nursing a hangover and giving the kids Nyquil."
its 4am. im standing over him in my bed eating chinese food, on the phone with dan trying to convince him to break up with his gf. whoredom.
So, sleeping with all of my Vicodin in my bra because I knew she'd be searching my room for drugs tonight. I'LL SHOW HER.
Just considered playing a drinking game with powerade with my sister so she would get some fluids in her. I do so well with sick people.
I don't think the TSA would be too happy. Who knows if three ounces of lube will be enough for us?
Blacking out is all I've done this year and we're only 3 days in. Checkmate bitch.
Just bumped into my ex. Blowing a dude in the ladies' room at Disney World. I guess it really was her not me.
She rode my dick so hard I momentarily lost hearing. I guarantee I had the better St Patrick's.
I just want to get drunk and not have to worry about you leaving me at the bar.
This guy needs to stop asking about my feet
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