Bike broken, reschedule party till thursday:(
i just thanked the atm machine for giving me cash
just printed 333 ways to get kicked out of wal-mart. hello thursday night.
Xanax and allergy medicine look a lot alike when you spill them on the floor. Just saying that I still have allergies but I'm unsure if I still have legs
No dude trust me, just go a strip club at their busiest hours and pick the ugliest chick. Guaranteed she blows you for under 20$, the record stands at $7.67 and a pen from Bank of America,
Yeah, this dress is irreparably whorey. I've resigned myself to being a family scandal.
I will take a blow job from a dude that kinda looks like a girl at this point
We are without power. He took ALL the lightbulbs out and hid them.
Then I'll go home and you two can do whatever two same sex heterosexual soul mates do
You attempted what you called the "Long Island Heist", in which you shoved a half glass of Long Island down your pants and asked me to help you sneak it out. That drunk.
I literally woke up walked into the bathroom, threw up and died this morning. Then went to my 8am.
All I want is a wedding with a dress and a veil and where I can go and my cat can go.
He's eating a sriracha ravioli sandwich. How do you think the night is going?
Three cans of beer can fit in the shower catty... multi tasking
He ate me out in the passenger seat of his Range Rover in a Tim Hortons parking lot. I could hear “oh canada” on the radio from a nearby school as I came. Most patriotic orgasm ever!
Randomize
