My little sister just found a condom in her bag i borrowed... Happy fourteenth birthday.
I feel like if your cat could talk she would call me a cunt.
Definitely just saw the guy I went on a date with Friday night dressed in medeival knight gear on the quad preparing for battle. Oh my God.
cab driver says "I saw your friend who opens her legs. she went home with two guys." pretty sure he was talking about you
Yeah sketchy neighborhood.. Some woman ran by screaming, "i didn't steal anything" as some cops rolled up and arrested her.
I just learned you can mail a coconut. I'll be over in 3 days with the rum.
He told me he doesn't dance and he hates drunken excitement. Why I ever thought it would work is beyond me.
I just feel like a little gay dolphin in a massive sea
She was telling me which girls she thought I should fuck or not at the bar. Why can't all one night stands be that cool after?
The last text I sent him was about nachos. Frankly, if he can't respond positively to that he can fuck off...
I just had sex on my kitchen counter. It's like the American dream
She got engaged last night. I don't think you should ask her out man.
I threw up in the shower. I cleaned it all up and there is on mess at all. This hangover has become borderline religous. Powerful and life changing.
I know. I know. He'll be weekday dick.
Nothing kills the mood like opening another guy’s dick pic in bed
Randomize
