I think my vagina is haunted
Mental picture: Us at a bar keeping it classy shot gunning PBR's in the corner.
That was a good example of when keeping it real goes right
Had a dream I was a monkey and smoked pot out of a bong made out of a tree
You know summer is almost over when ur school booty calls start hitting u up as if solidifying their spot in drunken mistakes for next semester
If the blood belongs to whoever dumped glitter all over my couch than the motherfucker got what was coming to them. If not, I hope they're ok.
The Vegas crew is in two groups, Team Vodka and Team Fireball. There is no winner in this.
I was giving a campus tour, when a drunk senior came up behind me and shouted at the group, "If Jesus ain't your homeboy - get the fuck off this campus!" Looks like his religion course is paying off...
I need a burrito and a hug.
That would be a dream come true. Seriously, he's like my mount everest, my life's ambition is to climb him.
Taco trucks are like ice cream trucks for drunk adults. They should have a mariachi tune they play super loud to bring people out of the bars for tacos.
So after taking my shirt off, he pulls my bra off like a hockey jersey. FUCKIN PRO. Guy knew what he wanted.
when I die covered in cocaine, hookers, and tequila at 73 years old just remember that I once had a tweet with that many retweets
Snow days are when you really appreciate that your neighbor is on your bang roster.
You had sex with him AND his man bun. Like not just him but also the bun.
Matched with the lumberjack. Here's your wedding invite.
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