Def slept AT the bar last night, wow that's a first!
I was just at the urinal, started to go, then farted, then said oh yea out loud, then heard someone move in the stall behind me
I just egged your windshield and it froze on contact. Have fun with that.
Just saw a commercial bout this girl that lost 54 lbs on a taco bell diet. so thats my excuse.
Babe, the 4 years we've been together have been amazing. Will you marry me?
are you seriously doing this over text message
hahaha no, but i am dumping you.
you don't seem to understand just how much pasta i spilled on my bed last night.
Who would have guessed that on my moms birthday she'd have sex with the door open. :(
We had phone sex and he came in his sink. i will never eat off one of his plates again
She said just put your tongue in there and don't linger. I have other things to do.
Gong!
YOU'RE MARRIED NOW YOU CAN'T KEEP GONGING ME WHEN YOU GET LAID IT DOESN'T COUNT
We legitimately thought something was wrong with you until someone pointed out you were just doing the thriller dance
Life seems so much brighter and more vibrant after you have sex with a 20 year old. It's like how Kansas was in black and white and Oz was in technicolor.
He said he looked out his window and I was sitting in the grass with blood everywhere talking to a dog.
all I've ever wanted was a guy with twelve cats who will tie me up in bed
Sorry this is taking so long. I'm looking for my dignity.
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