Stephanie. Problem. I think if I had met Murphy before Ben I would have fucked him instead.
Don't worry about your Murphy feelings. I may have fucked him no matter what.
Spencer Pratt, I WILL beat the shit out of you someday, I Promise
this is a mass text: i just made a grilled cheese with an iron and pasta with the coffeemaker in the hotel room. bow before your new god.
you fucking puked into the top of the beer bong while i was chugging from it. when i realized i was chugging your vomit, i vomitted on the floor. she kicked us both out.
He tried to make eye contact, he should know by now that freaks me out
He said he has something to give me... I swear to God if it's a joint or a framed picture of his penis i'm going to kill him
I would like to apologize for my MANY attempts of trying to motor boat you.
put me on a leash or i'm going to fuck someone
Doing Jager Bombs on a Sunday morning is justified...How else is my team going to win?
Drinking ketchup directly out of the bottle does not make it tomato juice.
You know what a wolf looks like when it kills a small animal? How it shakes it around in it's mouth? I did that to a bag of Taco Bell last night
Basically I will actually need a reindeer pulled sleigh to make it to all the penises in one night.
Bruise count after new years, 7. 2018 is looking up.
Finally got with the virgin.
Yeah? Howd that go?
As soon as I got it all the way in, I looked deep into her eyes and said "your soul is mine" in the deepest voice I could make. She was not amused.
Skipping class. Wanna Drink now?
yea. just give me 15 min to write a paper.
Randomize
